Living with a mast cell disorder, I personally wonder about everything....is it because of the mast cell thing, or is it something else?
I was born with dark auburn hair. Not quite red, but not quite brown. As a child, I hated being a red-head (because auburn is considered red hair in the eyes of the world) because having red hair was not cool....you had to be blonde to be important....I tried everything to dye my hair blonde...all I got was orange. I even stripped the color from my hair so that when I put the color on, I would have beautiful blonde hair! Except that time, it turned glow in the dark neon orange......so I gave up. I remember when I was in fifth grade, one of the teachers approached me (she wasn't my teacher) and she just went on and on about my hair. The following Monday, she came to school with RED hair! Now, in my little 10 year old mind, I knew that she was trying to be like me, and I wondered why she was that crazy. Who in their right mind would want red hair?? As I got older, I became proud of my hair being so unique. I would have women come up and tell me what a beautiful shade of color it was, and I would just have to say thank you, this is my natural color.
About ten years ago, I started noticing that there was a spot on my scalp, just along my right temple that just starting itching....all the time! I soon learned that I could only use a shampoo for about a month before it would make my temple itch like crazy. One day, as I was brushing my hair, looking into the mirror, I noticed that in that spot, the hair looked a little lighter....I just shrugged it off thinking it was just the lighting in the bathroom.
Now...I am not a vain person, and I actually despise my looks. Every time I look in the mirror, I think I look like a man in drag. I know that sounds horrible....I have a long narrow face...not something you see very often on women. When I have my hair cut short....I really look like a man in drag....seriously.....That's not me being self-conscious, I've actually had people tell me that. Well, maybe not tell me, but agree with me when I say it.
So....back to my story....since I really don't care to look at myself, it took me about a month to really look in the mirror again. My "itchy spot" - the hair was completely blonde. So, here I was with dark auburn hair and a blonde streak at my temple. It actually looked kinda cool! Trying to figure out why my hair was doing that, I convinced myself that it was a bizarre birth mark that suddenly "activated" when I was in my mid-thirties. Because, what else could it be???
Well, my cool blonde streak - ten years later - I have blonde hair......my whole head. Now, I will admit that some of it is white (red-heads don't turn grey - they turn white) but for the most part, my hair is blonde. I even have my family accusing me of dying it blonde. In reality, I've been trying to dye it back red! I asked my doctor once why my hair was turning blonde....he said it was from the sun. Really?? Because I don't really go into the sun a lot.
What I am now wondering....is this from my mast cell disorder? Or is this just a freak thing? Or is it from something else? Having this "problem", not knowing how it will affect you, not knowing a set of symptoms (since everyone is different) and not knowing what causes it....every time something happens to me, I wonder if it is because of the MCD.....
Maybe science needs to take our bodies when we die and test us...maybe they will find a cure....maybe they will find what causes it in the first place and keep it from happening to other people....wouldn't that be amazing???!!!!!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Friday, January 31, 2014
My prayer for you
I offer this prayer for you:
Lord, I thank you for the life you've given me, even though I struggle at times. I thank you for each moment you allow me to have, even though you don't promise me any. I thank you for the knowledge you give not only to me but to those around me so that we can deal with life's imperfections together.
Lord, I pray that for each person who is reading this that you move in their lives in such a way that they cannot deny the power that you have. I pray that you give them the strength that they need through the struggles you allow in their lives. I pray that you guide them to others that will not only lift them up, but give them comfort and guidance through whatever trial they may be dealing with.
Lord, you are the Great Healer. The One and Only, The Almighty God and Savior. Thank you for each second you allow us to walk this world. Thank you for Your unconditional love.
In Jesus name I pray
Amen
Lord, I thank you for the life you've given me, even though I struggle at times. I thank you for each moment you allow me to have, even though you don't promise me any. I thank you for the knowledge you give not only to me but to those around me so that we can deal with life's imperfections together.
Lord, I pray that for each person who is reading this that you move in their lives in such a way that they cannot deny the power that you have. I pray that you give them the strength that they need through the struggles you allow in their lives. I pray that you guide them to others that will not only lift them up, but give them comfort and guidance through whatever trial they may be dealing with.
Lord, you are the Great Healer. The One and Only, The Almighty God and Savior. Thank you for each second you allow us to walk this world. Thank you for Your unconditional love.
In Jesus name I pray
Amen
Life is looking up!
2013 was hard. 2014 started off looking really bad, but....things change!
I decided that even though the year was starting off bad, I would not let that determine my outlook on life. I have a man that loves me unconditionally and makes me feel smart, beautiful, and like I am the queen of the world. That in itself is one of the most amazing feelings a woman could ever feel. He's been my rock for 21 years. Don't get me wrong...we've had out ups and downs. We spent 2 years apart and even though I've always heard that a separation is a death sentence for a relationship, it saved ours. It gave both of us time to realize what we truly wanted in life, what we could and couldn't deal with from each other, and it made both of us realize that we couldn't be without one another. But then again....we are somewhat unique.....we got married 3 weeks after we met. It was love at first site and the first time I looked at him, a voice in my head told me that he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I know that sounds kookie, but it is the truth!
I have decided that no matter what curve ball life throws at me, I am determined to find the silver lining.
My year started off with the swine flu....the positive that came from that.....the company that I work for finally realized that what I do is important and there isn't anyone who knows how to do what I do. When I returned, I was advised that I would be transferred to our main office so that in the future, I would have someone there to cover me when I am out! I've been waiting five and a half years for that!!!
My son's engine in his truck blew up in the beginning of December....the positive that came from that...once we get it back from the mechanic, he will have a brand new truck! Major damage was done to several parts under the hood when the rod blew through the top of the engine block. Yes it's costing us an arm and a leg to get fixed, but hey.....a new truck for $6,000....you can't beat that!!
My husband falling off the ladder....the positive that came from that....he now realizes that he is no longer 17 years old, and that he needs to take care of himself. When we went to the doctor to get his back checked, his blood pressure was high. Really high.....150/128. The nurse and doctor didn't seemed too concerned with it since they knew he was in immense pain. But now he is concerned. He wants to go back to the doctor when his back is healed and have them check his blood pressure again. He hates doctors so this is HUGE!!!!!
My son finally got his cyclical vomiting under control and is back in school and doing great! He's an amazing kid and he doesn't let his disease get him down! I'm so proud!!
My daughter and her husband have been struggling financially, so I decided to start buying her small bead kits (since she loves to make jewelry) so that she could put them together and sell them to help make ends meet. She's so sweet and talented, and she just doesn't realize what an amazing woman she has become. She's given me the best grandson a grandma could ask for! He's three and can read! And I'm not talking about small words! I'm talking about he can read pretty much anything you put in front of him! He knew the entire alphabet and numbers by sight by the time he was two!! (I think he takes after his meemaw - ME!)
I read (on a FB group I belong too) other people's struggles with their mast cell disorder and I realize just how blessed I am. Most are to the point where they are almost always confined to their homes - prisoners of this disease, and I realize that I can go pretty much anywhere, smells don't bother me, I take a minimal amount of meds in comparison to them. I am blessed beyond measure! I don't let this control me. Because I know that eventually, this will get worse, and I will more than likely become like the others....afraid to eat...afraid to sleep...afraid to breath because any one of those could kill me.
Don't let life tell you what you can do. You tell life what you are going to do!!
I decided that even though the year was starting off bad, I would not let that determine my outlook on life. I have a man that loves me unconditionally and makes me feel smart, beautiful, and like I am the queen of the world. That in itself is one of the most amazing feelings a woman could ever feel. He's been my rock for 21 years. Don't get me wrong...we've had out ups and downs. We spent 2 years apart and even though I've always heard that a separation is a death sentence for a relationship, it saved ours. It gave both of us time to realize what we truly wanted in life, what we could and couldn't deal with from each other, and it made both of us realize that we couldn't be without one another. But then again....we are somewhat unique.....we got married 3 weeks after we met. It was love at first site and the first time I looked at him, a voice in my head told me that he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I know that sounds kookie, but it is the truth!
I have decided that no matter what curve ball life throws at me, I am determined to find the silver lining.
My year started off with the swine flu....the positive that came from that.....the company that I work for finally realized that what I do is important and there isn't anyone who knows how to do what I do. When I returned, I was advised that I would be transferred to our main office so that in the future, I would have someone there to cover me when I am out! I've been waiting five and a half years for that!!!
My son's engine in his truck blew up in the beginning of December....the positive that came from that...once we get it back from the mechanic, he will have a brand new truck! Major damage was done to several parts under the hood when the rod blew through the top of the engine block. Yes it's costing us an arm and a leg to get fixed, but hey.....a new truck for $6,000....you can't beat that!!
My husband falling off the ladder....the positive that came from that....he now realizes that he is no longer 17 years old, and that he needs to take care of himself. When we went to the doctor to get his back checked, his blood pressure was high. Really high.....150/128. The nurse and doctor didn't seemed too concerned with it since they knew he was in immense pain. But now he is concerned. He wants to go back to the doctor when his back is healed and have them check his blood pressure again. He hates doctors so this is HUGE!!!!!
My son finally got his cyclical vomiting under control and is back in school and doing great! He's an amazing kid and he doesn't let his disease get him down! I'm so proud!!
My daughter and her husband have been struggling financially, so I decided to start buying her small bead kits (since she loves to make jewelry) so that she could put them together and sell them to help make ends meet. She's so sweet and talented, and she just doesn't realize what an amazing woman she has become. She's given me the best grandson a grandma could ask for! He's three and can read! And I'm not talking about small words! I'm talking about he can read pretty much anything you put in front of him! He knew the entire alphabet and numbers by sight by the time he was two!! (I think he takes after his meemaw - ME!)
I read (on a FB group I belong too) other people's struggles with their mast cell disorder and I realize just how blessed I am. Most are to the point where they are almost always confined to their homes - prisoners of this disease, and I realize that I can go pretty much anywhere, smells don't bother me, I take a minimal amount of meds in comparison to them. I am blessed beyond measure! I don't let this control me. Because I know that eventually, this will get worse, and I will more than likely become like the others....afraid to eat...afraid to sleep...afraid to breath because any one of those could kill me.
Don't let life tell you what you can do. You tell life what you are going to do!!
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Life is crazy Part 2
Life lately has been crazy.
Back in the beginning of December, life seemed grand. I was loving every aspect of my life, and my health seemed to finally be good. Then life happened....
My husband works for a park. So, being the dutiful wife I am, I volunteer at the park. I'm currently a board member with the volunteer organization. In the beginning of December, the park holds a festival called Old Fashioned Christmas. Visitors get to come to the park to see how settlers celebrated Christmas. It's fun! Every year, at the end of the festival, we have a tree lighting (with candles since they didn't have electricity in the early 1800's) and we sing carols. This year, my husband was in charge of getting someone to lead the carols....he picked me.....*sigh*
After all was said and done, the festival went off without a hitch, even though it was bitterly cold and attendance was low. My son and his girlfriend headed home just before me, so I found my husband to tell him to be careful on the way home and I got on the road to my nice warm home. I got a phone call from my son in a panic. His truck was acting funny and he was stalled at a grocery store. So, I stopped where he was and while he made calls, I waited to see what he was going to do...get a tow or try and drive it home. He decided to drive the few short miles we had left and try and make it home.
About halfway there, he pulled over on the side of the road and stopped on the shoulder of a very narrow curvy road. I pulled behind him and waited to see what he was doing. I watched as he got out, opened his hood and then proceed to walk to the driver's side of the truck and just rest his head on the door. I got out carefully and when I asked him what was wrong, with tears in his eyes, he walked to the front of his truck, pointed the light from his phone onto the engine. There I saw a hole in the top of the engine block about the size of a lemon.....Oh no!! We had only had his truck for a year and a half????? How could this happen??
Well, after many phone calls, a couple of tow trucks and lots of money, we found out his truck had a "rare mechanical failure that was undetectable" and "there was nothing you could have done to foresee it nor prevent it". Not what we wanted to hear. Here it is the end of January and we are still waiting for the truck to be done.....apparently the previous owner didn't ever do any maintenance on the truck so not only was the engine bad, but so was the radiator, the fuel system, and part of the electrical system....Life....*sigh*
Well....needless to say, that ruined our Christmas since every penny we had was going towards this major overhaul of his truck. But....we were together, we were all healthy (as healthy as someone with a mast cell disorder and a child with cyclical vomiting could be anyways), and we didn't need to hand out presents to show each other that we loved and appreciated each other.
The Friday after Christmas, I began to get a tickle in my throat. No worries...I just upped my Zyrtec that day. On Saturday, I felt horrible. Now mind you, I am still trying to work out getting my son's truck fixed during this time. I ran a few errands, got some over the counter flu medicine and went home and curled up on the couch and slept. When my husband got home from work, he woke me up and told me I was burning up. Uh oh.....so I took my temperature. 104.......
Sunday, I stayed on the couch and woke up only to go outside in the freezing weather so that I could cool my body off. The fever would not go down. On Monday, I woke up, sent a message to my boss and told him that I would be in but only for an hour or two so that I could get my work done and then I would be off to the doctor. I called the doctor the minute they opened and they told me to get there as soon as I could. When I got there, I was glad to see that my fever had gone down to 101 finally. (that sounds horrible). He checked me out, and confirmed my worst fear. It was the flu. Then to my horror, he advised me that not only did I have the flu, but I had H1N1....the swine flu! You know...the flu that kills people??!!!
I spent the next week in bed on tons of medication, monitoring my fever and breathing. Somehow I made it through without an episode of my IA.....thank you, God!! After I finally got well (about two weeks before I felt normal), I thought for sure all of the mess would be over with. Nope!
My husband was helping me get some boxes out of our shed and he was high on a ladder, handing me the boxes down below. We got to about the seventh box when the ladder he was on started teetering. Before I could grab it, it collapsed from under him, and down he came.......first hitting a shelf with the middle of his back, bouncing off that, then landing on the lawnmower motor in the middle of his back. I panicked! I started to run to grab my phone and call 911, but he stopped me and said he was fine and he got up, and walked into the house. He appeared to be ok, except the ugly bruise on his right arm and down the right side of his back. Now....he's a pretty resilient man, and rarely gets hurt, so I had no reason to question him when he said he was ok.
WRONG!!!
After laying in bed for almost a week, unable to hardly move, he finally agreed to go to the doctor. Amazingly, he didn't have any broken bones (we thought a couple of broken ribs for sure), but he did have blunt force trauma to his back.....basically, if it would have been his head, he probably would have died from the fall.
That was a week ago. Now, we are dealing with freezing temperatures and icy roads. Living in Texas, you aren't supposed to have to worry about that...or so we thought! But, life goes on and we are all still here.
During this time, something good did happen. The company I work for transferred me out of our customer's facility and to our facility. I love my job, but being in house with your customer can be very trying at times. When they get upset about something (your fault or not) they feel the need to get in your face and scream at you. Five and half years of doing this....did I mention that I've only had episodes when I was at work? All of them? Never one at home??
My IA (so far from what I can tell) is brought on by stress.
The move is a Godsend for me. No more stress from dealing with irrational and irate customers in my face. Now....to see what happens with my IA...
(my last day at my customer's facility I had a weird "episode". I got dizzy and then the left side of my entire head went numb for about an hour. Tongue and all - maybe IA related, maybe not. Only time will tell)
Back in the beginning of December, life seemed grand. I was loving every aspect of my life, and my health seemed to finally be good. Then life happened....
My husband works for a park. So, being the dutiful wife I am, I volunteer at the park. I'm currently a board member with the volunteer organization. In the beginning of December, the park holds a festival called Old Fashioned Christmas. Visitors get to come to the park to see how settlers celebrated Christmas. It's fun! Every year, at the end of the festival, we have a tree lighting (with candles since they didn't have electricity in the early 1800's) and we sing carols. This year, my husband was in charge of getting someone to lead the carols....he picked me.....*sigh*
After all was said and done, the festival went off without a hitch, even though it was bitterly cold and attendance was low. My son and his girlfriend headed home just before me, so I found my husband to tell him to be careful on the way home and I got on the road to my nice warm home. I got a phone call from my son in a panic. His truck was acting funny and he was stalled at a grocery store. So, I stopped where he was and while he made calls, I waited to see what he was going to do...get a tow or try and drive it home. He decided to drive the few short miles we had left and try and make it home.
About halfway there, he pulled over on the side of the road and stopped on the shoulder of a very narrow curvy road. I pulled behind him and waited to see what he was doing. I watched as he got out, opened his hood and then proceed to walk to the driver's side of the truck and just rest his head on the door. I got out carefully and when I asked him what was wrong, with tears in his eyes, he walked to the front of his truck, pointed the light from his phone onto the engine. There I saw a hole in the top of the engine block about the size of a lemon.....Oh no!! We had only had his truck for a year and a half????? How could this happen??
Well, after many phone calls, a couple of tow trucks and lots of money, we found out his truck had a "rare mechanical failure that was undetectable" and "there was nothing you could have done to foresee it nor prevent it". Not what we wanted to hear. Here it is the end of January and we are still waiting for the truck to be done.....apparently the previous owner didn't ever do any maintenance on the truck so not only was the engine bad, but so was the radiator, the fuel system, and part of the electrical system....Life....*sigh*
Well....needless to say, that ruined our Christmas since every penny we had was going towards this major overhaul of his truck. But....we were together, we were all healthy (as healthy as someone with a mast cell disorder and a child with cyclical vomiting could be anyways), and we didn't need to hand out presents to show each other that we loved and appreciated each other.
The Friday after Christmas, I began to get a tickle in my throat. No worries...I just upped my Zyrtec that day. On Saturday, I felt horrible. Now mind you, I am still trying to work out getting my son's truck fixed during this time. I ran a few errands, got some over the counter flu medicine and went home and curled up on the couch and slept. When my husband got home from work, he woke me up and told me I was burning up. Uh oh.....so I took my temperature. 104.......
Sunday, I stayed on the couch and woke up only to go outside in the freezing weather so that I could cool my body off. The fever would not go down. On Monday, I woke up, sent a message to my boss and told him that I would be in but only for an hour or two so that I could get my work done and then I would be off to the doctor. I called the doctor the minute they opened and they told me to get there as soon as I could. When I got there, I was glad to see that my fever had gone down to 101 finally. (that sounds horrible). He checked me out, and confirmed my worst fear. It was the flu. Then to my horror, he advised me that not only did I have the flu, but I had H1N1....the swine flu! You know...the flu that kills people??!!!
I spent the next week in bed on tons of medication, monitoring my fever and breathing. Somehow I made it through without an episode of my IA.....thank you, God!! After I finally got well (about two weeks before I felt normal), I thought for sure all of the mess would be over with. Nope!
My husband was helping me get some boxes out of our shed and he was high on a ladder, handing me the boxes down below. We got to about the seventh box when the ladder he was on started teetering. Before I could grab it, it collapsed from under him, and down he came.......first hitting a shelf with the middle of his back, bouncing off that, then landing on the lawnmower motor in the middle of his back. I panicked! I started to run to grab my phone and call 911, but he stopped me and said he was fine and he got up, and walked into the house. He appeared to be ok, except the ugly bruise on his right arm and down the right side of his back. Now....he's a pretty resilient man, and rarely gets hurt, so I had no reason to question him when he said he was ok.
WRONG!!!
After laying in bed for almost a week, unable to hardly move, he finally agreed to go to the doctor. Amazingly, he didn't have any broken bones (we thought a couple of broken ribs for sure), but he did have blunt force trauma to his back.....basically, if it would have been his head, he probably would have died from the fall.
That was a week ago. Now, we are dealing with freezing temperatures and icy roads. Living in Texas, you aren't supposed to have to worry about that...or so we thought! But, life goes on and we are all still here.
During this time, something good did happen. The company I work for transferred me out of our customer's facility and to our facility. I love my job, but being in house with your customer can be very trying at times. When they get upset about something (your fault or not) they feel the need to get in your face and scream at you. Five and half years of doing this....did I mention that I've only had episodes when I was at work? All of them? Never one at home??
My IA (so far from what I can tell) is brought on by stress.
The move is a Godsend for me. No more stress from dealing with irrational and irate customers in my face. Now....to see what happens with my IA...
(my last day at my customer's facility I had a weird "episode". I got dizzy and then the left side of my entire head went numb for about an hour. Tongue and all - maybe IA related, maybe not. Only time will tell)
Monday, November 25, 2013
A letter to my mother
A letter I would love to give to my mother, but know I never will.....
Mom,
I love you. You mean so much to me, because you gave me life. Please remember this as you read through this letter.
I know I'm not your first born, and I'm not the baby, but why? Why do I feel like I'm nothing in your life? I wait for you to call, and sometimes, it's months and months before you even realize it and call me. I talk to Michelle and Rachel and they tell me that they talk to you all of the time, but you never call me. And when I call you, the first thing out of your mouth is,"what do you want?" Do you realize how much this hurts me? It's like I am a burden to you. You don't realize how much your words hurt me.
You once told my husband that I'm a hypochondriac.
Really?
Why?
Because I actually am sick?
Because as a child every time I would beg you to take me to the doctor, there was actually something so wrong with me that I usually ended up in the hospital or having surgery?
That's not a hypochondriac, mom - that's someone who is sick. But let me just say thanks for putting that stigma on me. Now everytime I feel bad, he throws in my face that even you think I'm faking it. I know I'm not beautiful like Michelle and perfect like your precious Rachel, but I am human. I can't help it that I look like my father. I truly believe that there are times when you hate me because I am a visual reminder of him. At least you finally admitted that to me - not that I was shocked, because I've felt it my whole life. And just so you know - your sister told me a long time ago that I looked just like him and that you hated it.
I've tried my whole life to make you proud, and for the first time in my life, you said it when I graduated college earlier this year. Why must I overcome huge obstacles for years before you even say you are proud of me? Am I that much of a disappointment to you?
About twelve years ago, I went to your work to drop something off for you. When I got there, I asked the woman at the front desk for you and she advised you weren't back from your bus run. She asked me if I was Michelle and I said, "no, I'm her other daughter." "Rachel?" "No.....her OTHER daughter, Donna." "Oh! I never knew she had three daughters! She only talks about Rachel and Michelle".
Wow........
That is how I have always felt.....the daughter that you don't want to acknowledge. Your shame.
Even though you make me feel this way, I still love you. I still want you to love me.
Maybe I'm just a glutten for punishment..........
And before you say it, I know....you think I'm being overly dramatic. I know. I've heard it all my life. Thanks for that too.....
Maybe I am being dramatic. But since I wonder sometimes if you even love me, does that make me dramatic? Maybe I feel that way because I'm not feeling love from you.
I'm not writing this to be mean or to make you feel bad. I just want you to realize that even though you made me feel this way, I still love you. I am still your daughter, and I will be there for you and fight for you with my last dying breath. You are my mom, and you are the world to me, even though I'm not to you.
I love you.
Mom,
I love you. You mean so much to me, because you gave me life. Please remember this as you read through this letter.
I know I'm not your first born, and I'm not the baby, but why? Why do I feel like I'm nothing in your life? I wait for you to call, and sometimes, it's months and months before you even realize it and call me. I talk to Michelle and Rachel and they tell me that they talk to you all of the time, but you never call me. And when I call you, the first thing out of your mouth is,"what do you want?" Do you realize how much this hurts me? It's like I am a burden to you. You don't realize how much your words hurt me.
You once told my husband that I'm a hypochondriac.
Really?
Why?
Because I actually am sick?
Because as a child every time I would beg you to take me to the doctor, there was actually something so wrong with me that I usually ended up in the hospital or having surgery?
That's not a hypochondriac, mom - that's someone who is sick. But let me just say thanks for putting that stigma on me. Now everytime I feel bad, he throws in my face that even you think I'm faking it. I know I'm not beautiful like Michelle and perfect like your precious Rachel, but I am human. I can't help it that I look like my father. I truly believe that there are times when you hate me because I am a visual reminder of him. At least you finally admitted that to me - not that I was shocked, because I've felt it my whole life. And just so you know - your sister told me a long time ago that I looked just like him and that you hated it.
I've tried my whole life to make you proud, and for the first time in my life, you said it when I graduated college earlier this year. Why must I overcome huge obstacles for years before you even say you are proud of me? Am I that much of a disappointment to you?
About twelve years ago, I went to your work to drop something off for you. When I got there, I asked the woman at the front desk for you and she advised you weren't back from your bus run. She asked me if I was Michelle and I said, "no, I'm her other daughter." "Rachel?" "No.....her OTHER daughter, Donna." "Oh! I never knew she had three daughters! She only talks about Rachel and Michelle".
Wow........
That is how I have always felt.....the daughter that you don't want to acknowledge. Your shame.
Even though you make me feel this way, I still love you. I still want you to love me.
Maybe I'm just a glutten for punishment..........
And before you say it, I know....you think I'm being overly dramatic. I know. I've heard it all my life. Thanks for that too.....
Maybe I am being dramatic. But since I wonder sometimes if you even love me, does that make me dramatic? Maybe I feel that way because I'm not feeling love from you.
I'm not writing this to be mean or to make you feel bad. I just want you to realize that even though you made me feel this way, I still love you. I am still your daughter, and I will be there for you and fight for you with my last dying breath. You are my mom, and you are the world to me, even though I'm not to you.
I love you.
Life is crazy
The last few weeks have been mind-blowing crazy. If it's not me, it's my son.
My son has cyclical vomiting which requires daily meds. If he doesn't take them, he gets violently ill and starts throwing up and can't stop until the cycle ends (this usually being when he has thrown up every ounce of fluid in his digestive system - including bile) and then he has to be hospitalized for the dehydration. We've had his disease under control for over two years, but this past September, he got sick with a bad virus. He was out of school for two weeks because of it and ever since then, his medication he's been on for five years for the cyclical vomiting is no longer working.
This school year, he's missed 40+ days of school and it's not even halfway over. I want so desperately to fix him, but I know I can't. He asked me the other day, "Mom, why can't we just be normal like everyone else?" How do you answer that?
So now begins the journey of trying to find new medication that works and enrolling him in home bound studies through his school. If he wasn't a senior, I would just pull him out of school and start home schooling him again.
We can do this - and we will overcome this hurdle.......
Please??!!
My son has cyclical vomiting which requires daily meds. If he doesn't take them, he gets violently ill and starts throwing up and can't stop until the cycle ends (this usually being when he has thrown up every ounce of fluid in his digestive system - including bile) and then he has to be hospitalized for the dehydration. We've had his disease under control for over two years, but this past September, he got sick with a bad virus. He was out of school for two weeks because of it and ever since then, his medication he's been on for five years for the cyclical vomiting is no longer working.
This school year, he's missed 40+ days of school and it's not even halfway over. I want so desperately to fix him, but I know I can't. He asked me the other day, "Mom, why can't we just be normal like everyone else?" How do you answer that?
So now begins the journey of trying to find new medication that works and enrolling him in home bound studies through his school. If he wasn't a senior, I would just pull him out of school and start home schooling him again.
We can do this - and we will overcome this hurdle.......
Please??!!
Monday, November 11, 2013
Good times
So since the doctor told me that he wants to meet with me again once he has my test results, I spent the weekend with my husband at the park he works at. I forgot about my worries, slept in a tent in the fresh air, dressed up as a woman from the early 1800's and had an amazing time.
Putting your worries out of your mind - even if only for a few hours - can sometimes make a world of difference.
By the end of the day Saturday, my entire body ached and I was ready to crawl into bed and stay there until Monday morning. I just knew I would regret pushing myself. Sunday morning comes and I got out of bed and had one of the most productive days I've had in a while. Just letting my worries go for one day (but still be cautious of my health) and just enjoying life, I feel a little sense of hope and can almost see the light.....it may still just be a slight glow, but I can see it nonetheless.
Putting your worries out of your mind - even if only for a few hours - can sometimes make a world of difference.
By the end of the day Saturday, my entire body ached and I was ready to crawl into bed and stay there until Monday morning. I just knew I would regret pushing myself. Sunday morning comes and I got out of bed and had one of the most productive days I've had in a while. Just letting my worries go for one day (but still be cautious of my health) and just enjoying life, I feel a little sense of hope and can almost see the light.....it may still just be a slight glow, but I can see it nonetheless.
"Today is a new day, so don't worry about yesterdays problems, because today you just might find your solution, live for today and pray for a better tomorrow."
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